Fading Away
i.
It's the summer of 2016, and you're four years old, almost half of the way through your life. Not that you know that. All you know is that you're on the swing set in the backyard, swinging quietly while your best friend, Jamie, is playing in the sandbox. Then you hear your name being called, and look over to see him running towards you. A grin crosses your face and you jump to the ground, running over to him.
He hugs you, and you smile widely, returning the hug as best you can. He tugs you towards the sandbox, chattering on and on about the sandcastle the two of you are going to build. It's going to have a bunch of towers and flags. Half of it is going to made of blue sand that Jamie's sister convinced their parents to dye when she was kid, and half of it was going to be the color of regular sand. There's going to be a flag made of sticks and leaves at the top, and a chair on the very top for the king to stand on top of. When you ask if that's it, he rolls his eyes and says 'Of course there's going to be a bunch of water surrounding it, what kind of castle would it be without one?'
When the two of you are done, Jamie tells you to watch over the sand castle so that he can go get his mom and tell her all about the sandcastle the two of you made. When Jamie's mom comes out, she oohs and ahs over it enthusiastically, praising Jamie emphatically. She never says a word to you.
You don't say anything to her, mostly because Jamie is the only one that can see or hear you, but Jamie notices your sad expression, and a frown crosses his face. He tugs at his mother's sleeve and tells her to thank you as well, because you helped 'so so much.' You can see a look of brief surprise cross her face before she smiles at Jamie and nods amiably.
She turns in the wrong direction when she tries to talk to you.
Jamie soon corrects her, an annoyed 'Mom, you're facing the wrong direction,' slipping out before turning her around so she faces you directly. An apologetic smile crosses her face, and she waves slightly as she compliments you on your help in making the sandcastle. You put on a smile for Jamie, but you don't really feel any better.
ii.
During the winter of 2016, there's an awful, awful snowstorm that leaves snow piled so high outside that it reminds you and Jamie of ice-cream squished into an ice-cream cone. The day the two of you wake up to it, Jamie doesn't have school, and he's allowed to stay in his pajamas all day. He gets hot chocolate later in the evening, and reminds his mother to pour you a glass too. She does so with the same smile she'd worn when she spoke to you at the sandbox, and you think she should get better at pretend smiles.
Later, when Jamie's mother has left and the hot chocolate has disappeared, Jamie proposes going outside to make snowmen. His enthusiasm makes you excited at the idea too, and shortly the two of you are outside surrounded by piles of sparkly looking snow.
Soon, the two of you have a modest looking snowman clumsily built and put together, with a carrot nose and stone eyes. The mouth is made of three stray sticks Jamie found, and they form a slightly lopsided grin. Stick arms protrude from the middle lump of snow, both limbs drooping downwards. The two of you admire it proudly for a few minutes before Jamie gets too cold and you both hurry back into the house, letting its warmth envelop you.
iii.
Eventually, spring comes around again, and with it comes time for Jamie to come back to school. The thought makes both of you frown, but neither of you complain when Jamie shoulders his backpack and slowly trudges towards his dad's car for that first day.
Just as Jamie is about to get in the car, he turns around and looks at you, a sudden smile on his face as he beckons you to come with him. Your eyes widen in shock but you don't hesitate. Shooting towards him you make it inside the car just before his dad closes the door, and you both giggle quietly in the back seat. The feeling of breaking the rules and not getting caught is exhilarating.
You've never been to school with Jamie before because you're not allowed to go with him, and so when you first step into the classroom with him you stop right in the middle of the doorway with your mouth open as you take in the colorful classroom filled with cheerful noise and the smell of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You're broken out of your reverie when Jamie calls your name, and you realize you're standing in the way of the other students. You move out of the way and follow Jamie to his seat, listening as he tells you all about his teacher and some of the things he does in class. As he's explaining the singing circle another kid, a girl with black hair and big eyes turns to look at Jamie, a funny look on her face.
'Who are you talking to?' she asks Jamie, and you feel annoyed at the question. Jamie tells her and she looks skeptical. She twists her fingers together as she says 'I can't see anyone new' and you scowl at her, mirroring Jamie's expression as you so often do.
Jamie scoffs at her, and then tells her in his king voice that only the very special-est people get to see you, and the words make you feel better, taking away the sting of the girl's disbelief. Before anything else can be said the teacher is talking, and you settle down for the rest of the school day beside Jamie's chair. The teacher wouldn't let him get one for you.
iv.
By the time you're six, Jamie seeks your presence less than he used to, but often enough that you don't fade completely. But you have been around less and less, only there when Jamie remembers about you. You're worried that he will forget completely soon, and so you try to make his time with you as memorable as possible.
The next time he comes looking for you, it's after you see a bunch of boys from his school leave the house, and he doesn't look as comfortable around you as he always has before. Instead he looks stiff and awkward as he asks you if you want to go color. You nod enthusiastically, trying to inject some excitement into him, and you think it works a little, because he looks less stiff.
The two of you walk into Jamie's bedroom and Jamie pulls out paper and his battered box of colored pencils as he always does. You sit beside each other on his twin sized bed, pictures of dragons and pirates slowly filling white pages. Jamie chatters like always, but sometimes, when he's quiet, you notice him looking at you funny, with one eye closed and one open. You're not sure why he's looking at you like that, and so you ask him. He doesn't answer.
v.
It's winter now, the winter of 2020, and it's your last winter. You've seen less and less of Jamie, until now you only see him a few times a month, and you feel lost without his constant presence. Sometimes, when he's with you in a room, you flicker into his focus, but then he looks away, and you're back to the white.
You don't like the white.
The final time Jamie seeks you out is on a clear, crisp winter morning. He wakes up, and you're at the end of his bed, like you always used to be when he woke up. He blinks a few times, and you notice for the first time, that he looks older. More like the rest of the kids his age, less like the five year old Jamie, less like your Jamie.
He doesn't move when he notices you, and you feel yourself going back and forth between his room and the white, and you can feel a battle going on inside you. Yes vs. no. You stare at Jamie pleadingly, 'Let me stay, please,' you beg him, and he stares at you the same way he had back in the class room with the black haired girl. One eye opened, one closed. He blinks.
'You're not real.'
His bedroom disappears.
